On doubt and expectation
I keep a journal of sorts. Not really on here. This is for my vanity, your consumption, whatever. I used to write in a real journal fairly regularly—while in Australia, in London, at college, etc. But these days not so much. Chalk it up to stress, adult life, whatever you want, but I don’t do it anymore. Instead, these days, I save my personal emails into a sort of diary. Not all of them of course; just the ones I send to my closest friends, updating them on my life and such.
My point is that I was updating that journal and reading through some of my old emails, and I realized how different life is from what I expected it to be. Upon graduation from high school, I never realistically thought I’d still be close with all my best friends. I figured we’d all end up growing apart and slowly losing touch. Today, they are still the strongest friendships I have. And while we live in different cities, leading unique lives, there’s a rapport there I will never take for granted. Ever.
My expectations were really wrong in other ways as well. I never for a second thought I’d meet a great guy here in Florida and see a relationship like this become a main focus in my life. I’ve always been so independent-minded, and it shocks me to see how easily I fit into this new picture. (This doesn’t mean, of course, that I don’t freak out too often about too small of stuff. Or that it’s perfect or for forever. It’s just what it is. And I love that—even when I’m scared or worried or angry.)
I thought about Africa for the first time in a while this weekend. I had planned to leave this month, long before the New York Times job came up. I wonder if I’ll ever really regret not going because I don’t regret it now. But I do wonder what my life would be like now had I made that decision instead.
Which brings me to the second part of this blog entry: doubt.
I found myself having more doubts than I used to have at any other time in my life. And I find that I’m not the only one. I guess it’s because it’s a highly tumultuous age for most people I know. The decisions we’re making at this time in our lives affect everything. What’s more important: work or a relationship? Where do you want to live? What kind of work do you want to do? What are you willing to compromise on? Where do you stand your ground?
I have doubts that I made the right decision by forgoing my trip to Africa. I have doubts that this is the right job for me. I have doubts about my relationship and my friends. I have doubts about nearly everything.
At what point do you buck the status quo and give in to one of these doubts? I’m generally happy, but I never expected to be where I am now. But is that necessarily a bad thing?
